Entered the world under duress a month early because Drs thought I was gonna be huge. Was tiny. Pretty much the first of 2 decades of premature milestones achieved accidentally.

Ran away from Kindy. Was wearing flares and a rib-knit jersey, possibly orange. Made me easy to catch.

7 schools, 5 towns, 2 countries, and at least 2 infectious diseases on consecutive weekends. Learned to be adaptable. Developed immunity.

Failed 1^st semester English in Chicago. Learned grammar. Had an A by end of year. Suck on that, Ms Tobin.

Had the worst English teacher ever at Church College. (Sorry bout it but you know who you are.) Regardless, came 2nd in my year (damn you, Silver Naulder), discovered Witi Ihimaera, and decided to write.

Got a degree in nothing useful. Way too young.

Married a lovely boy on the same day as my oldest sister married another lovely boy. Let her go first. It seemed the diplomatic choice.

Moved to Hawaii. Taught English at BYU. Had naked dreams at the beginning of every semester. Learned how to write essays.

Began procreating. Enter: the boy whose eyes were far too big for his face. For the next 5 years.

Lovely boy husband drowns. Asshole. That sux. Which led to…

Grieving, lonely, stupid. Got remarried. He got 7 ½ years of my life and I got 2 daughters. I win.

Tortured kids at various schools throughout Northland. Continued procreating.

Took what I thought would be a less-demanding-than-being-in-the-classroom job at Te Wānanga o Aotearoa.  LMFAO.  But it was one of the greatest growing times of my life.  Learned to speak the language of my tūpuna.  Met the beautiful carverboy.   Admired him from afar for 6 years before doing anything about it.

Had weight loss surgery. Lost 50 kilos and pretty much every last one of my inhibitions. Got a whole new life I didn’t even know I needed.

Pulled the rug out from under my own feet: left the faith that has shaped my family’s life for 5 generations. Broke my parents’ hearts. Hardest time of my life.

Had an extremely generous man take me under his wing. Handed me his business. Told clients I was great. Damn that was risky – I hadn’t yet figured out I was great. Shot, Victor Main!

Figured out it was way more fun to play with adults than with kids.

Realised empathy is my superpower, I am my brand, and humility is underrated.

The famous ‘brand massacre.’ You’re looking at it. Turns out it wasn’t such a bad idea, thank fuck.

Entered the world under duress a month early because Drs thought I was gonna be huge. Was tiny. Pretty much the first of 2 decades of premature milestones achieved accidentally.

Ran away from Kindy. Was wearing flares and a rib-knit jersey, possibly orange. Made me easy to catch.

7 schools, 5 towns, 2 countries, and at least 2 infectious diseases on consecutive weekends. Learned to be adaptable. Developed immunity.

Failed 1^st semester English in Chicago. Learned grammar. Had an A by end of year. Suck on that, Ms Tobin.

Had the worst English teacher ever at Church College. (Sorry bout it but you know who you are.) Regardless, came 2nd in my year (damn you, Silver Naulder), discovered Witi Ihimaera, and decided to write.

Got a degree in nothing useful. Way too young.

Married a lovely boy on the same day as my oldest sister married another lovely boy. Let her go first. It seemed the diplomatic choice.

Moved to Hawaii. Taught English at BYU. Had naked dreams at the beginning of every semester. Learned how to write essays.

Began procreating. Enter: the boy whose eyes were far too big for his face. For the next 5 years.

Lovely boy husband drowns. Asshole. That sux. Which led to…

Grieving, lonely, stupid. Got remarried. He got 7 ½ years of my life and I got 2 daughters. I win.

Tortured kids at various schools throughout Northland. Continued procreating.

Took what I thought would be a less-demanding-than-being-in-the-classroom job at Te Wānanga o Aotearoa.  LMFAO.  But it was one of the greatest growing times of my life.  Learned to speak the language of my tūpuna.  Met the beautiful carverboy.   Admired him from afar for 6 years before doing anything about it.

Had weight loss surgery. Lost 50 kilos and pretty much every last one of my inhibitions. Got a whole new life I didn’t even know I needed.

Pulled the rug out from under my own feet: left the faith that has shaped my family’s life for 5 generations. Broke my parents’ hearts. Hardest time of my life.

Had an extremely generous man take me under his wing. Handed me his business. Told clients I was great. Damn that was risky – I hadn’t yet figured out I was great. Shot, Victor Main!

Figured out it was way more fun to play with adults than with kids.

Realised empathy is my superpower, I am my brand, and humility is underrated.

The famous ‘brand massacre.’ You’re looking at it. Turns out it wasn’t such a bad idea, thank fuck.