What gift can you give yourself?

For me, sometimes it’s the gift of doing nothing.

Doing nothing often leads to the very best of something - Winnie The Pooh

Sometimes it’s spending a bit of money on myself.

Someeecard.  Happy I-will-only-be-spending-money-on-wine-for-myself-day!

Sometimes, it’s the gift of serving someone else so I get the fuck over myself!

Sometimes I need the gift of time alone. Or time with my beautiful man.

Quote - It's ok to do nothing.  It's okay to let go.  It's okay.

Sometimes I need the gift of reading a book, or some brain candy on Netflix.

Sometimes (ok, often) I need the gift of a really great coffee. Not because it’s a NEED, but because it’s a GIFT, and don’t we deserve gifts?

Badass Coffee at the Quarry Lake Reserve in Auckland NZ – courtesy of Rebecca Caroe

Sometimes I give myself the gift of telling myself I did the best I could, and that it’s enough.

Sometimes I give myself the gift of loving myself.

You carry so much love in your heart.  Give some, to yourself.  R.Z quote

I spent years in a bad marriage giving myself the gift of affirmation because he never did. I congratulated myself on the slightest thing. I got so, so good at telling myself, YOU ROCK! (And now I do it often and in public and people laugh at me. I mean with me, right?)

Sometimes I need the gift of being kind to myself. Telling myself I’m doing an ok job. That I look good. That I can love my body.

Sometimes I give myself the gift of saying no to someone or something.

Sometimes I give myself the gift of saying yes.

Blog - What gift can you give yourself? Author Shelly Davies

We talk about self-care. You may or may not gel with those words, that concept.

But what about gifts? Do you need to give yourself a gift?

Can you?

Merry Christmas, my loves 🥰

Focus – Is your laser pointing the right way?

When it’s high summer and I’m sitting on my deck on Aotea (Great Barrier Island), the cicadas are deafening.

Shelly's home on Great Barrier Island
Great Barrier Island – NZ

What’s interesting to me, though, is how that sound, which is actually REALLY LOUD, is a sound I equate to quiet, peaceful, calm – bliss, in fact.

Are you focusing on what matters most?

But if I choose to focus on that sound, on the roar of the cicadas, and if I allowed myself to think about how loud it is, and how it’s such a buzzing, grating, high-pitched sound, if I started to decide that noise was an irritant, and wish it would go away, I WOULD GO FUCKING CRAZY.

If I focused my laser brain onto that noise, attributed negative meaning to it, and stayed focused on that, it would quickly become intolerable.

Because when my lovely carver boy and I head out on a road trip, and he’s got his focused, get shit done energy on, and he pops in some gum and chews, occasionally with his mouth open?

I want to hurt him.

I have to work SUPER HARD to filter out that sound, and to convince myself that it’s not a problem.

You might be thinking I should ask him to close his mouth.

But why the fuck should he? He’s not doing anything wrong. There’s no reason he should adjust his behaviour for my benefit.

I’m the one with the problem – it’s on me to manage my response to it.

Also, I was married to a man for 7 ½ years who told me I ate, chewed, and swallowed loudly.

It was incredibly damaging to me, and ultimately to our relationship, that all those minutes and hours of our marriage when I ate or drank in his presence, I felt self-conscious and worried that I was faulty – I couldn’t chew and swallow quietly enough.

FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are

Fine-tune that laser focus

Is there something in your life that’s driving you insane?

Is there something YOU can do about it?

Not to change the thing, but to manage your response to it.

To change the meaning you attribute to it. To turn off your laser and think towards something else.

Photo image – drew-graham-unsplash.

Are you expecting the world or someone in it (or a system) to change for your benefit?

Is that a realistic expectation?

Is it a fair expectation?

And can you instead, change your head?

I’ve said it before: It’s all in your head.

Everything.

The only thing we can control, change, have power over, is OUR THINKING.

How to power

A while ago I was at a client’s premises and found myself locked in.

I’d finished my training a little later than their usual work day’s end, and then took my time packing up my things.  By the time I went to leave, the building was deserted.

I had a visitor’s swipe card but it wouldn’t unlock the door to exit the building. There was no press to exit button, just an emergency break-the-glass type deal.

Yeah, nah.

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How’s your power?

A cleaner had been in the training room a few minutes earlier, so I went to find him.

Can you let me out? I asked. The door’s locked.

He looked around, alarmed, shrugged, and pointed down the other end of the building.

I walked in that direction and found another cleaner – a woman, his wife, I later concluded – in the kitchen.

When I asked her to let me out, she gave me a flat-out No.

<img src="no response.jpg" alt=sorry I can't I have to walk my unicorn"/>

Eventually, I found a lone staff member in one of the offices, and he let me out.

I was pretty amused and dumbfounded, and then as I drove back to my hotel it dawned on me:

I live in a world where I am free to choose.

The power of choice

I am free to choose EVERYTHING.

Whether I work or don’t work. Whether I eat or don’t eat. Whether I sleep or don’t sleep. Who I talk to. What work to accept and decline. What terms I’m willing to work under.

I am free to choose. Every minute of every day.

That is a level of privilege I take for granted.

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The limitations of power

That husband and wife, those cleaners working in the evening, did not feel that they had any right to make a decision to give me access OUT of the building.

They had access cards, to be used for their job, and nothing else.

Their world is such that they didn’t feel able to use their own judgement to make what seemed like such a straightforward decision.

I thought about what must be on the line for them – the fear of losing their job, I assume – their ability to provide for their family.

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What’s on the line for me when I make my choices?

Usually not much more than whether someone is happy with me or not.

And when I think about it that clearly, there are very few people whose opinions I give a fuck about.

I committed that day to two things:

1. Be braver.

I am privileged to have very little at risk.

2. Be more aware of my privilege.

It’s power, and I need to use it, with joy, and badassery!

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Looking for a 2020 keynote? 

I show people how to feel more powerful in their own universe, so they can have joy!

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